Being Told No

No one likes to be told 'no'.  It is an uncomfortable feeling.  There are many reactions we can have when we hear 'no' to one of our ideas or something we want to do - resignation, indignation, defensiveness, resolve. Some are helpful, some are not. 

Just like saying 'no' to distractions can be one of the steps we need to take from time to time, so being told 'no' by others may also be healthy if we will choose to learn from it.

What are the lessons can we learn from being told 'no'?

Curiosity - true curiosity leads us to asking questions with an openness to seeing ourselves and the world differently. The most limiting place we can be is isolated inside our own assumptions.  Being told 'no' is an opportunity to be open to and potentially learn from another person's perspective. 

Resolve - there will always be resistance to change, especially if it is good change, the kind of change that lines up with our personal vision and core values.  Being told 'no' can lead to a strengthening of resolve to pursue the great work we are called to.  Sometimes that leads us to the next level which had eluded our previous efforts. 

Creativity - innovative breakthroughs in just about every area involve pursuing what is deemed to be impossible. One of the tenets of modern design is to discard the conventional at the beginning of the process. Ironically in design, being told 'no' often leads to 'yes' in ways that change our world for the better.

So the next time you run into a 'no', ask yourself what you need to learn from the experience. 

Daniel

The best mosaics have a lot of pieces...

Your Greatest Battle

...is to be who you are. Sounds simple doesn't it. And quote worthy. Coffee mugs, journals, email footers. We have all seen them and thought we understood. 

I have a tray that I put my keys in daily for many months with such a quote. It says: "To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment." Ralph Waldo Emerson

E.E. Cummings said something similar, "To be nobody but yourself in a world that is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody but yourself means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight - and never stop fighting."

But here's the thing. Being ourselves, truly ourselves, is the greatest risk we will ever take. I am not talking about being selfish or self-centred. That is something entirely different. Selfishness is not core to anybody. 

Being ourselves involves going back to our core values, and being willing to look at where we are not living up to those values and why.  It involves taking responsibility for acting powerfully within those values and not allowing blame of circumstances or of others as an excuse when we do not live up to our values. 

It would be so easy to just end this blog on a light, even inspirational note. But being yourself isn't something to take lightly. You have to believe that who you are is just what is needed, be willing to pay the cost to live authentically and be compassionate and gracious with those who don't see things the same way you do.

Daniel

The best mosaics have a lot of pieces...

Solving Difficult Situations

A few years ago I attended a Systems Thinking conference in Boston that was personally challenging and life-changing.  One of the presentations that made a real impression on me was a keynote session by Adam Kahane about solving difficult situations using the dance of power and love.

It did not make much sense to me then but, surprisingly, I remembered a lot of what was said... Power without love is abusive... Love without power is anemic... Love and power together are like learning to walk... The only way to walk is to be continually off balance... But eventually you master it so you don't even need to think about it anymore... Then you begin to dance... The dance of power and love is what is needed to solve difficult situations...

Nine years later, I think that I am starting to understand why the dance of love and power is so important... because what keeps us as individuals, families and organizations in difficult situations is a underlying core belief in our own worthlessness (not deserving of love) and/or powerlessness (no ability to influence). 

The path to walking into worth and power is not first and foremost about changing our external circumstances, although that may need to change in the future.  It is about changing our internal beliefs.  For example, trying to undertake 'powerful actions' is not the same thing as undertaking 'action out of power'.  Many 'powerful actions' are actually desperate reactions to grab control out of a belief in our powerlessness.  These types of actions do not lead to true power, instead, they produce an illusion of power which will leave us less secure and with a need to increasingly escalate to more and more of these actions, often perpetuating the difficult situation we want to get out of.

Ultimately, the path into resolving the difficult situations we are in involves facing our own feelings and beliefs about worthlessness and powerlessness and how we got there in the first place.

Daniel

The best mosaics have a lot of pieces...