Saying No

I am told that the primary purpose of the brain is not to pay attention to everything that is happening. That would overload our systems and leave us unable to function.  Instead, the most valuable thing our brain does is filter out the noise so we know where to place our attention.  That is an important concept as we look at when we should choose to say 'yes' or 'no'.

There is a lot of pressure today to get to 'yes'.  As a result, there are situations in which we entertain things where we should just say 'no'.  But how do we know when and where to say 'no'?  An ancient story provides some insight. 

Some leaders in exile had been given permission and resources to return home to their country which lay in ruins from being invaded and conquered decades previously. The task of rebuilding the walls of their city was daunting and there was opposition but the people rallied and took up the challenge with great enthusiasm.  As a result great progress was made in a short time.  Then came an invitation from the leaders of the opposition.  'Why don't you come and we can talk about what we can do together'.  On the surface It sounded like a good offer - to form an alliance with the ones who were making it difficult for them to finish the work.  But here was the answer... "I can't come down. I am doing a great work.  Why should I leave my work to come down to talk to you."  Five times the invitation came and five times the same answer was sent back. 

A lot of times it is important to get to 'yes', but this time the true leader recognized that the invitation was just a distraction...that this would never lead to 'yes'...that the work he was doing was too great to allow a fruitless distraction. 

So how does this help you and I?  First, what is the 'great work' that you are called to? Maybe it is time to reconnect to your personal vision and core values again. If you aren't connected to your great work, it will be easy to get distracted.  Second, how does the invitation fit with the great work that you are called to?  How does it feel when you hold the great work in one hand and the invitation in the other?  Do they merge with each other resulting in a stronger sense of possibility and greatness?  If so, then it is probably worth taking the next step.  But if not, you need to take the hardest step, and protect the great work by saying 'no'.  You may have to say it more than once. 

At the end of the day, saying 'no' to distractions is what protects our ability to say 'yes' to the great work we are called to.  That is the right 'yes' to get to. 

Daniel

The best mosaics have a lot of pieces...

Embracing Uncertainty

We live in an uncertain world. There will be people who will try to convince you it doesn't have to be that way - that with three steps or ten steps you can take control of your life.  But chasing certainty can be like looking at an illusion. You think you can grasp it, but it is not what it seems.

Don't get me wrong.  There are a lot of good principles to live by.  But that is exactly what they are, principles.  They don't guarantee a particular outcome.  Principles are valuable for helping us to act with integrity regardless of the outcome. 

An ancient teaching reminds us of this: 'Do not boast about tomorrow for you do not know what a day may bring'.  

Uncertainty shouldn't stop us from planning and working towards what is important to us.  In fact, if something is worth accomplishing, chances are it will have a fair amount of uncertainty about it.

It is hard to deal with uncertainty.  We fight it, so it usually needs to be forced upon us.  Then when we have no other option we may learn to tolerate it, begrudgingly... then we may come to expect it and finally, maybe we will embrace it.

Ask yourself - If you lost everything that you value, maybe your possessions, positions, relationships, reputation - what would you have left?  Are you holding onto an illusion that these things are within your control? - that steps you can take or not take will make them certain?

Ironically, chasing after certainty is a good way to create more uncertainty.  Studies have shown that the happiest people are those who embrace a realistic level of uncertainty and then get down to the business of living their lives.  Those who face great loss often find themselves open to enjoying each day for what they have but had taken for granted before. 

Daniel

The best mosaics have a lot of pieces

Wandering

JRR Tolkien in The Lord of the Rings wrote a familiar quote: 'not all who wander are lost'. In fact it may be just the opposite. Wandering is an incredible strategy that may help us find the way we need to go.

It is easy to be lost and not know it ... thinking we know where we are and where we are going.  The landmarks are familiar, it is just like we planned, just a few more steps, the moment of arrival, and then ... for some reason ... the destination isn't like we expected it would be.

The most important destinations are rarely that straight forward. The best ideas, not that forthcoming.  A structured path or process does not work in all situations. You may need to learn to navigate in a different way. 

Wandering may not seem efficient, leaving many to just stick with what is familiar and comfortable.  Also, with our busy lives, who has time to wander?  It is at times like this  that leaving our ordinary life behind for a bit and wandering may be just the key that we need. 

Three ways to wander:

With yourself - Give yourself permission to take some time and explore your thoughts and feelings and accept what comes up.  It is so easy to fill up every moment so our deeper thoughts and feelings have no time and space.  The key here is to give yourself permission and then observe without judging yourself.  You do not have to act on them, just being curious. 

With ideas - Go to a library or bookstore and see what captures your attention.  Walk through the aisles.  Pay attention to what catches your eye and don't judge.  Maybe pick out and read a book that is out of the ordinary, that intrigues you.  The key here is to step outside of your familiar habits and interests and be challenged by a fascination that you didn't even know you had or that you have not given expression to in the past.

With others - Leave familiar paths and engage in curiosity with others.  Everybody has a story but we rarely hear what it is.  Initiate a conversation with someone new or someone that you see regularly but realize you don't really know.  Ask an open ended question like what was a favourite memory growing up or who do you admire and look up to and why?  Then listen.  The key here is to leave your world behind for a bit and engage in someone else's.  Resist the urge to comment or tell your story and be open to additional questions that may take you further into their story. 

Daniel

The best mosaics have a lot of pieces...

Acknowledgement

I can't write, I can't write, I can't write...There I have done it.  I have been trying to write a blog for The Daniel Mosaic for months now.  It isn't working.  I should be able to but I can't.  I find it so hard to acknowledge what is uncomfortable at times like this.  I think that if I just push the thoughts, the feelings, out of my consciousness then they will go away and I can just get on with what I should be able to do.  Sometimes it works, but more and more it just leaves me stuck...and frustrated. 

Don't get me wrong.  I am not talking about letting what we want-to-do or feel-like-not-doing decide when or where we take action. That would be irresponsible.  I am talking about a state of living in conflict with ourselves, overriding ourselves, living at our own expense.  Most people can do that for a while.  But there is a price to pay.  I know because I paid it for a long time until eventually something seized in me and refused to budge. 

You see, we have to start from where we are, not from where we would like to be. Often, acknowledging where we are is the longest and hardest part of the journey.  It is the first step to being mindful, recognizing the mindless patterns in which we have been stuck.  Then when we acknowledge where we are, we need to stop being our own worst critic.  Why is it that we say things about ourselves that we would never say about someone else?

When we are in conflict with ourselves or feel stuck, there is an opportunity to silence the inner critic for a while and just be curious about what is going on, listening to ourselves and asking thoughtful questions like we would if we were with a friend.  We have an opportunity to be kind, gentle, compassionate and patient with ourselves while we figure things out.  

I am still in process but I am learning that the way I treat myself, when stuck, is the key to beginning to engage in and even enjoy the challenges that I previously had to force myself through. 

Daniel

The best mosaics have a lot of pieces...